Bittersweet - Book Notes

A few months ago, the pastor at church had mentioned a book he read while on sabbatical called Bittersweet - How Sorry and Longing Make Us Whole by Susan Cain. His sabbatical focused on grief and loss, so I was curious to check this book out of the library and see what it was about.

Although there were some parts that resonated with me, the majority of the book seemed like it was meant for someone else. I did find the section about how creativity can be associated with sorrow and longing particularly interesting. 

At any rate, here are the parts that were most interesting to me: 

- Humans are wired to respond to each other's troubles with care. This instinct is as much a part of us as the desire to eat and breathe.

- Sad moods tend to sharpen our attention: They make us more focused and detail-oriented; they improve our memories, and correct our cognitive biases. 

- What if we took whatever pain we couldn't get rid of, and turned it into something else? We could write, act, study, cook, dance, compose, do improv, dream up a new business, and decorate our kitchens; there are hundreds of things we could do, and whether we do them "well," or with distinction, is beside the point. This is why "arts therapy" - in which people express and process their troubles by making art - can be so effective, even if its practitioners don't exhibit their work on gallery walls. 

- Whatever pain you can't get rid of, make it your creative offering - or find someone who makes it for you.

- Min Kym, a famous violinist, had her violin stolen. "The moment my violin was stolen, something died in me....I have to accept that the person I was with the violin gone. But I've been reborn....There's space now for a new me to emerge....When you do recover from any loss - when you heal, when your soul starts to heal from the shock - a new part grows." 

- In our house, getting into a good college was the holy grail. My mother dreaded my departure, but even more she desired my success.

- May I be free from danger, May I be free from mental suffering, May I be free from physical suffering, May I have ease of well-being.

- May I be safe, May I be happy, May I be healthy, May I live with ease. 

- A mother who developed Alzheimer's kept saying to her daughter, "I just want you to know what a good daughter you've been. I just want you to know." She would say this every single time the daughter called and visited. I won't be able to tell you much longer, so please remember how much I love you. A good daughter, a good daughter, you've been such a good daughter." 

The Ultimate Retirement Guide for 50+ (Book Notes)

Being in my mid-50s and having read some of Suze Orman's columns and books, I came across The Ultimate Retirement Guide for 50+. 

There are a lot of good tips which I wish I would have known at a much younger age. She has excellent advice that I can learn from now and that I can share with Sophia and Olivia, even though they are only 18 and 20 years old. 

Below are some of the things I found interesting:

- Fear, shame, and anger are the main obstacles to wealth. They cause youto do the wrong things and miss out on the smart choices that can move us toward our financial goals.

- The only way to conquer fear is through action.

- What I don't think is healthy - emotionally or financially - is when an adult child living in your home doesn't contribute to household costs. This has nothing to do with tough love. This has everything to do with continuing to be the strong, supportive parent who helps guide your children to become their best selves.

- Parents should be directing their money into their retirement savings accounts.

- The money that parents spend on their adult children is money they really should be socking away for their future, yet they can't stop themselves from being the provider. This is an unhealthy financial dynamic.

- Differentiate between financial assistance that helps with kids' needs versus money that funds their wants. 

- Resist co-signing for loans for your adult children. 

- A big problem is the "it's only" syndrome. It's only $100 or $200 a month to help with the rent. It's only an extra $20 a month to keep paying for their cell plan. Add up all the ways, big and small, you continue to provide support to an adult child. See how much "it's only" is costing you every year. 

- A hard no to: helping with a loan for a new car for an adult child, carrying an adult child on your health insurance and cell phone plan, and kicking in money for their vacations.

- If a child needs a car, they should be shopping for a used car that they can pay for with the shortest-term loan possible. 

- If your child is working, they should cover their share of the health premium.

- Consider how reducing your support for others will enable you to achieve your ultimate retirement goals: security and not needing your family to support you later on.

- Make sure you are helping your adult child become financially independent.

- If you reduce your monthly spending by $500 or $1,000 a month today, that's $500 or $1,000 a month you won't need to generate in retirement. 

- Moves to make during your working years:

---Prioritize paying off all debt before you retire.

---Embrace living below your means.

---Save more for retirement...in the right accounts.

---Have a plan to work longer.

---Consider long-term insurance.

- Ditch the landline and use cell phone only.

- Keep FICO score very high keeps auto premiums lower.

- Retirements savings must take precedence over paying for college.

- Spend the least amount you can for a reliable car. If you need to take out a loan, commit to a term that is no longer than 36 months. 

- There are three ways to save money today that you can then use without owing any tax in retirement: a Roth 401(k), a Roth IRA, and Health Savings Account (HSA)

- Plan to work until you are 70.

- Use the Social Security benefit calculator to get an estimate of what you may qualify for: www.ssa.gov/benefits/retirement/estimator.html 

- Visit kerryhannon.com about career transitions and great jobs for those who are 50+ years old.

- Long-term health premiums are lower for those in their 50s and 60s because as you age, a pre-existing health condition could be grounds to deny you coverage. And the longer you wait, the higher your premium will be.

- See suzeorman.com/retirement to learn more about key features to shop for in an LTC insurance policy.

- If you are intent on not moving, make paying off your mortgage before retirement a priority. Tackle remodeling work today that will accommodate the needs of an older version of you.

- If you plan to stay put:

---Pay off the mortgage before you retire. Ideally, pay it off by age 65.

---Be able to pay your essential living costs (e.g., housing, groceries, utilities) guaranteed income (e.g., Social Security, pension payout, an income annuity you purchase at retirement).

---Don't rely on a reverse mortgage to pay the bulk of your expenses.

---Consider whether your home will be socially isolating to an 80+ you.

---Think through whether your home will be physically challenging for an older you (and your friends).

- The steps up to your front door.

- That you must climb stairs to your bedroom

- How you step into the tub to take a shower

- A narrow hall or doorway that doesn't allow a walker or wheelchair through.

- A bedroom on the main floor or a room that can be easily transformed into a bedroom and a bathroom on the main floor with a walk-in shower that has a bench are what allows you to stay in your home longer.

- Look around your home and see how plausible and comfortable it will be to stay in your home if you become ill, arthritic, or injured.

- Changes to make today: better lighting, more light switches, replace throw rugs with wall-to-wall carpet, and professionally-installed grab bars in the bathroom.

- Go to the National Association of Home Builders for their "NAHB aging-in-place remodeling checklist."

- Certified Aging-in-Place Specialist (CAPS) contractors are who you want to do remodeling.

- If you need to borrow money for remodeling, doing it while you are working will be easier to get than when you are retired. Before doing this, you have to look at how much that will eat into your retirement. Moving may just be the best thing you can do to ensure that you have the money you need for your 80s and 90s,

- Contact mortgage lender to ask for an “amortization schedule” that will have your loan paid off by the time you are 65.

- Find more monthly cash flow to put towards your mortgage payment.

- An emergency fund should be large enough to cover your basic living expenses for eight months.

- Aim to spend just 3% of your portfolio in the first year of retirement and then adjust that amount for inflation in subsequent years. 

- Your home is aging too which means more wear and tear on top of the regular maintenance costs. How old are your roof and HVAC system? If your intention is to stay in your home for 20 or more years, the reality is that you will likely have major maintenance expenses.

- Consider what tasks you do today that you might not want to - or be able to - keep doing long into retirement. Snowblowing, gardening, regular housekeeping, and general upkeep.

- A reverse mortgage can create extra income in retirement by using some of your home's equity. The income you receive is tax-free. 

- A reverse mortgage is a bad idea if you need it to cover the majority of your fixed living costs in your 60s and early 70s. Don't use it keep up with rising property tax, insurance, and maintenace; or if you will move in less than 5-10 years. Don't use it for wants (vacations, RVs) or pay off credit card debt. 

- You don't have to repay any of the money on a reverse mortgage while you remain in the house. It is only when you move or die that the borrowed money must be repaid. 

- Think about how your home will work for you when you are 80 or 85. If you can no longer drive or want to drive, is there convenient public transportation, taxis, Uber/Lyft so that you can get around easily? How far do you live from town or friends? 

- In your 60s, keep investing for a long retirement, delay starting Social Security until age 70, and enroll in Medicare and supplemental coverage.

- When one spouse dies, the surviving spouse is entitled to just one Social Security benefit. If you have the high earner delay until age 70, you lock in the highest possible benefit for the surviving spouse.

- Medicare doesn’t cover long-term costs.

- If you don’t have a reliable income stream that can support you for a long life, then you are probably going to make your life and your kids’ lives more difficult.

- Retirement sources that offer guaranteed income: social security, pension, and income annuity that you purchase.

- Focus on a lifetime payout for a guaranteed income. Consider an annuity that will continue at the same level for the surviving spouse.

- Look at deferred income annuities. Buy the annuity today, but don’t start the payouts until a set period of time, such as 5 years or 10 years.

- An income annuity with a cash benefit will pay you a lifetime benefit, but if you die before your total payouts equal the up-front premium you paid, your beneficial will continue to get payments until total payments equal what you paid for the income annuity.

- Do not invest with any company that has any form of a grade with even the letter B.

- Have a separate bear-market emergency fund in retirement that has at least two years of living expenses in it. If you expect that you will not cover all your living expenses from guaranteed income, then keep three years of expenses in super-safe accounts that you can tap whenever you need to and know the money will be there for you.

- Invest equal amounts in five different CDs: 1 year, 2 year, 3 year, 4 year, and 5 year. When the 1 year CD matures, invest it in a new 5 year. You will have a CD maturing each year. That will pay you more interest than if you kept all of your money in a 1-year CD.

- You would need $1 million in order to withdraw $40,000 or 3% in your first year.

- Subtract your current age from 110. That is how much you may want to consider keeping in stocks. Mutual funds accomplish this since they have a variety of stocks in one fund.

- Treasury bonds are the best option for a retirement portfolio. They are the safest type of bonds.

- Must-have documents: a living revocable trust with an incapacity clause; will; advance directive and durable power of attorney for health care; and a financial power of attorney.

- Check all beneficiaries to make sure they are up to date.

- Ask your kids today what they want and spell that out in a will.

- If more than one child wants something, have an open discussion while you are still alive.

- Name an executyor of your will.

- Keep docuemnts in a waterproof and fireproof box that is easy to grab and go at a moment’s notice.

- If the documents are in a bank safe deposit box, make sure the name of trust’s successor trustee (and maybe even one more family member or someone you trust) is also listed on the account.

- Spell out your final wishes. If you don’t want your family to overspend, put that in writing. It will make it so much easier on them.

- Patience and perseverance must prevail in the years to come. When it comes to your money, you have to accept – and expect – that your money will have its ups and downs.

If My Life was Made Into a Movie

There's a swap on Swap-Bot called If My Life Was Made Into a Movie. I thought it would be fun to imagine what a movie about my life would look like.

The Synopsis

Experiencing the Harvest Moon is a film about Ann's discoveries, new experiences, and moments of awe throughout her 55 year old life. She was born in Minneapolis and spent the first six weeks of her life on the shores of Mille Lacs Lake where her father was a director at a boys camp. These first days of her life foreshadowed one that would be connected to nature and working with children. 

After living in Minneapolis for seven years, her family moved to Bass Lake in Plymouth, Minnesota, and she enjoyed the outdoors with her sister and brother. After college and getting married, she moved back home and then to Charlotte (NC), San Francisco (CA), Minneapolis (MN), and finally to a ten-acre hobby farm in Scandia, Minnesota, where she has lived since 1995...26 of her 55 years. 

Life at the farm has been a series of learning experiences - running a Community Supported Agriculture farm; founding and operating a children's camp focused on the arts, nature, and agriculture; and taking care of a host of animals - dogs, cats, horses, sheep, chickens, turkeys, fish, and even a hedgehog. 

Hosting exchange students from Brazil and Japan laid the foundation for starting the adoption process. During 2001 and 2003, two daughters who were born in China were adopted and have been the highlight of Ann's life. 

The farm became another place of discovery for the girls, as homeschooling became a way of living and learning for the family. With one daughter now a junior in college and heading for Thailand for a semester of college and teaching children how to speak English; and another daughter a senior in high school doing three college courses each semester, 2021-22 will be a year of transition, challenges, and excitement for Ann and her family.

The Cast

Who would play you? I would want Meryl Streep to play me in the movie. In every movie she has been in, I have been impressed with her creative talent and versatility in playing diverse roles. I also read a book in August 2020 called The Good Among the Great by Donald Van de Mark. He pointed out many different qualities that great people tend to possess. One person who embodies all of the qualities is Meryl Streep. So, because she exemplifies a great person - someone who has qualities that I would like to have - I would want her to represent my life.  

What other actors and actresses would be in the movie, and what roles would they play? Paige would be played by Albert Brooks. He was in a movie with Meryl Streep called Defending Your Life. It's an excellent movie that focuses on fears and how they hold back people from completely enjoying and living one's life to the fullest. Albert is a very funny actor - both in words and actions - and he makes me laugh. He would be a good representative of Paige. 

For the girls, Sophia would be played by Ziyi Zhang who is a Chinese actress best known for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Memoirs of a Geisha. She has an impressive background in the arts and reminded me of Sophia and her talents in the arts as well (especially piano and harp).

Olivia would be played by Ming Na Wen. She is best known as the voice of Fa Mulan in the Mulan animated film series. She was also Melinda May in the series Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Since Olivia loves to do Tang Soo Do and she regularly watched Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Ming Na Wen seems like a logical choice.

The Soundtrack (including links to YouTube)

What would be the main theme song? Make Me a Channel of Your Peace. I love this version of the song with a full orchestra and chorus singing it. The lyrics are: 

Make me a channel of your peace

Where there is hatred let me bring your love

Where there is injury, your pardon Lord

And where there is doubt true faith in You

Make me a channel of your peace

Where there is despair in life let me bring hope

Where there is darkness only light

And where there's sadness ever joy

Oh, Master grant that I may never seek

So much to be consoled as to console

To be understood as to understand

To be loved as to love with all my soul

Make me a channel of your peace

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned

It is in giving to all men that we receive

And in dying that we are born to eternal life

What song would be played as you started school as a child? I looked up popular songs in 1971 - when I would have been 5 years old. Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens was on the list. I do remember hearing that song. However, I heard more as a teenager when my dad would listen to WAYL - The Big Whale (easy listening music) - in his home office which was next to my bedroom. The lyrics are:

Morning has broken like the first morning

Blackbird has spoken like the first bird

Praise for the singing, praise for the morning

Praise for them springing fresh from the world

Sweet the rains new fall, sunlit from Heaven

Like the first dewfall on the first grass

Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden

Sprung in completeness where His feet pass

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning

Born of the one light, Eden saw play

Praise with elation, praise every morning

God's recreation of the new day

What song would we hear when you fell in love for the first time? In college, I loved seeing The Wallets at nightclubs in the Twin Cities. I happened to come across a video of The Wallets at First Avenue. It was taped in 1987 - so either my Spring semester of my junior year or Fall semester of my senior year. Also found a live recording of a performance in Moorhead. There are a lot of songs on the almost two-hour recording. At the 1:10:46 mark is Body Talk and at 1:17:10 is Totally Nude which both were very popular. 

What song would be played when we're seeing how you handle a stressful situation? Under Pressure comes to mind immediately. I listened to the Queen/David Bowie Remix version SO many times as I drove to visit my parents as they were aging and their health was declining. I would play it very loud as I drove to the nursing home to see my dad.

I also would play it when I went to the geriatric psychiatric unit when he was placed there because of Alzheimer's Disease. It was a horrible place and he should not have been there. Thankfully, it was only for 11 days, but, nonetheless, it was not the place for someone with a cognitive decline (vs. someone with a mental illness - it's two completely different issues). He came out of there unable to feed himself because they had him so doped up on pills. So, yeah....Under Pressure is what immediately comes to mind.

What song would we hear when you're sad? Young@Heart Chorus singing Fix You. This song was sung in the movie that documents the true story of the final weeks of rehearsal for the Young@Heart Chorus in Northampton, MA. The chorus members average age was 81, and many of them had to overcome health adversities to participate. 

This song, Fix You, was sung by Fred after the death of his friend, Bob. This song was supposed to be a duet with Bob. He tributed the song to Bob and Bob's family was in the audience so there were lots of shots of his family reacting to the song. When I first heard this song, my father was in the middle- to late-stage of Alzheimer's Disease. It captured exactly how I felt at the time of wanting to fix my dad...to take away all the struggles he was experiencing due to Alzheimer's, but realizing I couldn't. 

The lyrics are:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something, you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try, you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something, you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face and I

Tears stream down your face

I promise you, I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And finally, what song would we hear as the movie ends and the credits are rolling? Another song from Young@Heart Chorus and movie that I like - especially for the lyrics - is Forever Young. 

This version of the song was sung to prisoners at Hampshire County Jail, and is a very powerful and touching scene in the movie. The chorus learned that one of its members died that morning, and they went ahead with the performance. I'm sure the death of their beloved friend was on their mind. 

The main reason I like this song is that the message is one that I would want to impart to others, especially my daughters as they go through their lives.

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you

May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay
Forever young

Forever young
Forever young
May you stay
Forever young

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true

May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you

May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
And may you stay
Forever young

Forever young
Forever young
May you stay
Forever young

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift

May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
And may you stay
Forever young

Forever young
Forever young
May you stay
Forever young

Healing the Divide - Poems of Kindness and Connection

Recently I read Healing the Divide - Poems of Kindness and Connection which is edited by James Crews. 

There are quite a few poems in this book that I liked or that I wanted to read multiple times. Below are some of them. 

REVISIT

Carol Cone

What do you see when
your baby comes home at fifty?
Do you remember the child
who couldn't sleep a single night
for two endless years
who wouldn't eat most foods
who pushed your hugs away
who gave kisses to no one?

Slowly, the years passed without
a hug, a visit, a Christmas card, yet
whatever brought the epiphany - 
his father's death, a mid-life crisis
or realization that half a life
had passed him by, much too fast - 

he came home at fifty,
erasing years of separation.
Just a visit, an experiment,
still prickly but ready to talk,
to reach out an inch or two 
perhaps to build a fragile bridge
across those missing years.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

SMALL KINDNESSES

Danusha Laméris 

I’ve been thinking about the way, when you walk 
down a crowded aisle, people pull in their legs 
to let you by. Or how strangers still say “bless you” 
when someone sneezes, a leftover 
from the Bubonic plague. “Don’t die,” we are saying. 
And sometimes, when you spill lemons 
from your grocery bag, someone else will help you 
pick them up. Mostly, we don’t want to harm each other. 
We want to be handed our cup of coffee hot, 
and to say thank you to the person handing it. To smile 
at them and for them to smile back. For the waitress 
to call us honey when she sets down the bowl of clam chowder, 
and for the driver in the red pick-up truck to let us pass. 
We have so little of each other, now. So far 
from tribe and fire. Only these brief moments of exchange. 
What if they are the true dwelling of the holy, these 
fleeting temples we make together when we say, “Here, 
have my seat,” “Go ahead — you first,” “I like your hat.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I CONFESS

Alison Luterman

I stalked her 

in the grocery store: her crown 

of snowy braids held in place by a great silver clip, 

her erect bearing, radiating tenderness, 

watching the way she placed yogurt and avocados in her basket, 

beaming peace like the North Star. 

I wanted to ask, "What aisle did you find 

your serenity in, do you know 

how to be married for fifty years or how to live alone, 

excuse me for interrupting, but you seem to possess 

some knowledge that makes the earth turn and burn on its axis—" 

But we don’t request such things from strangers 

nowadays. So I said, "I love your hair."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

WAVING GOODBYE

Wesley McNair

Why, when we say goodbye 

at the end of an evening, do we deny 

we are saying it at all, as in We’ll 

be seeing you, or I’ll call, or Stop in, 

somebody’s always at home? Meanwhile, our friends, 

telling us the same things, go on disappearing 

beyond the porch light into the space 

which except for a moment here or there 

is always between us, no matter what we do. 

Waving goodbye, of course, is what happens 

when the space gets too large 

for words—a gesture so innocent 

and lonely, it could make a person weep 

for days. Think of the hundreds of unknown 

voyagers in the old, fluttering newsreel 

patting and stroking the growing distance 

between their nameless ship and the port 

they are leaving, as if to promise I’ll always 

remember, and just as urgently, Always 

remember me. Is it loneliness, too, 

that makes the neighbor down the road lift two 

fingers up from his steering wheel as he passes 

day after day on his way to work in the hello 

that turns into goodbye? What can our own raised 

fingers do for him, locked in his masculine 

purposes and speeding away inside the glass? 

How can our waving wipe away the reflex 

so deep in the woman next door to smile 

and wave on her way into her house with the mail, 

we’ll never know if she is happy 

or sad or lost? It can’t. Yet in that moment 

before she and all the others and we ourselves 

turn back to our disparate lives, how 

extraordinary it is that we make this small flag 

with our hands to show the closeness we wish for 

in spite of what pulls us apart again 

and again: the porch light snapping off, 

the car picking its way down the road through the dark.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

EVERYDAY GRACE

Stella Nesanovich

It can happen like that: 

meeting at the market, 

buying tires amid the smell 

of rubber, the grating sound 

of jack hammers and drills, 

anywhere we share stories, 

and grace flows between us. 

The tire center waiting room 

becomes a healing place 

as one speaks of her husband's 

heart valve replacement, bedsores 

from complications. A man 

speaks of multiple surgeries, 

notes his false appearance 

as strong and healthy. 

I share my sister's death 

from breast cancer, her 

youngest only seven. 

A woman rises, gives 

her name, Mrs. Henry, 

then takes my hand. 

Suddenly an ordinary day 

becomes holy ground.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

FOR YOU I'LL FLY

Carmen Tafolla

The earth below us shifts

and the joints of houses ache

with hairline fractures that grow

into faultlines on the walls.

The motors burn out

first the fan and then the garbage disposal,

on my way out the door

to job or bank or nursing home.

The only two burners still lighting weakly

on the stovetop flicker at me.

Things fall apart

sometimes people too 

as crisis-after-crisis beats us down.

Deaths and Close-to-deaths

Loss and Deeper loss.

You can no longer swallow, 

or pronounce.

You reach a hand of bones

to lift my hand to your lips.

Your eyes catch my eyes with kindness,

carry the message as softly as you can 

against this harsh sky.

The song you heard playing before I did,

Por Ti Volare, I recognize.

You sang a million times, before this disease.

I didn't know the English title

was  Time to Say Goodbye.

You pull a shining smile out of this stiff

Parkinson's mask

and gently

release me

Spiritual Practices A to Z: Kindness

The next spiritual practice in the alphabetical series is Kindness. There are many great insights and ideas from Spirituality and Practice that are below. 

Spiritual Practices: Kindness

Enhances: Generosity
Balances/Counters: Selfishness

The Basic Practice

Kindness is the first of the three great treasures advocated by Lao Tzu. The Buddha taught that generosity is a primary quality of an awakened mind. Jewish and Christian ethics are built upon deeds of kindness, as are the daily interactions of people of primal traditions.

The spiritual practice of kindness encompasses a range of small acts and habits that we know as old-fashioned good manners — saying "please" and "thank you," lending a helping hand, cheering someone up with a smile, or waiting your turn. It applies not just to your relationships with other people. Etiquette in the spiritual life extends to animals, plants, things, and the Earth.

Spreading kindness at the library.

(Taken on June 14, 2014.)

This practice also means being generous with your presence, time, and  money. Give freely without expecting anything in return. Kindness is never a quid pro quo endeavor.

Why This Practice May Be For You

Few people would describe themselves as unkind, cruel, or nasty, yet we often miss the mark on this spiritual practice. Simply remember the many times you have been hurt by someone not doing something: the call that didn't come when you were feeling low, the thank you note that never appeared, the missed appointment. Now, consider how often you have neglected to act in similar circumstances. Kindness is very susceptible to the sin of omission.

Still, acknowledging that we have missed another's kindness can make us want to be kind more consistently ourselves. This is one of those situations when a negative experience has a positive outcome.

Sophia and Olivia packing up pillows to 

donate to a homeless shelter.

(January 27, 2011.)

Of course, sometimes we are simply too self-absorbed to notice that we are not being kind. Selfishness quickly undermines manners. Generosity, as well, is difficult for both the miser and the glutton.

Quotes

If the earth does grow inhospitable toward human presence, it is primarily because we have lost our sense of courtesy toward the earth and its inhabitants.
— Thomas Berry quoted in Rummaging for God by Melannie Svoboda

Appreciative words are the most powerful force for good on the earth.
— George W. Crane quoted in Full Esteem Ahead by Diane Loomans

Kindness trumps greed: it asks for sharing. Kindness trumps fear: it calls forth gratefulness and love. Kindness trumps even stupidity, for with sharing and love, one learns.
— Marc Estrin quoted in Prayers for a Thousand Years edited by Elizabeth Roberts and Elias Amidon

Taking a tour of a food shelf and learning ways to help.

(Taken on March 19, 2012)

Be kind to people whether they deserve your kindness or not. If your kindness reaches the deserving, good for you; if your kindness reaches the undeserving, take joy in your compassion.
— James Fadiman and Robert Frager in Essential Sufism

The kindnesses of others fertilize our soul, they become a part of who we are, and we carry them and their love. We feel this when people die, how their gifts remain alive in us.
— Wayne Muller in How, Then, Shall We Live?

If there is any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.
— William Penn quoted in Lent by Megan McKenna

Books

I read the book How We Behave at the Feast by Dwight Currie which is essentially a book of weekly reflections. Although it is set up like this, I read it in a couple of days instead. These are things I want to remember:
- "...he comes as a guest to the feast of existence, and knows that what matters is not how much he inherits, but how he behaves at the feast, and what people remember and love him for" (from an essay by Boris Pasternak in which he voiced his hope for the youth of the post World War II era).
-  "Where there is too much, something is missing" (an old Jewish saying).
- "The hope of the world lies in what one demands, not of others, but of oneself." (James Baldwin)
- "Mothers are the peacemakers who, by their example, teach us that compromise doesn't mean that we have failed. Mothers are the providers who, by their own sacrifice, show us that sharing doesn't mean we'll have less. And mothers are the judges, far wiser than Solomon, who cannot love one child more than the others but can still bless all children with a love of their own."

Mom sewing a communion dress for one of the girls.

(Taken on November 18, 2009.)

- On going to have picnics at a gravesite: "Often they cried, but just as often they would laugh. Most of their memories were good ones. They felt very comfortable there, and, consequently, so did I. It was a nice place for a picnic."

My dad and mom's grave. This is my dad's side.

(Taken on May 28, 2018.)

- As long as we remember and celebrate the lives of those who are gone, our feast is in no way diminished. We will not dine with an empty chair if we choose instead to have a picnic with our memories."
- "The great secret...is not having bad manners or good manners or any other particular sort of manners, but having the same manner for all human souls: in short, behaving as if you were in Heaven, where there are no third-class carriages, and one soul is as good as another." (George Bernard Shaw, Pygmalion)
- The next time you find yourself dining on someone's reputation, snacking on someone's feelings, or enjoying a steady diet of nothing except stories about yourself, remember you are talking with your mouth full."
- If you need to say you are sorry, say it - then accept the forgiveness that is given. If you need to end a relationship or to recover from a lost love, then do it with honesty, compassion, and grace. If your dreams are dashed, close your eyes and pray for new visions. At the same time, you must wait and watch for the next invitation. One will always come. The trouble is, you won't know you've received it if you're still mired in regrets and remorse.
- When you write a letter, it is an act of faith that there is a friend out there, a confirmation that you are never alone. A letter is always welcome. Not even e-mail or faxes (though decidedly faster and more immediate) are as satisfying and rewarding as finding a letter in your mailbox - the stationery, the hand-addressed envelope. A tangible object was created only for you, it has traveled the miles to overcome time and space, and it is now in your hand. It is a letter from a friend.
- Names are given to children at birth. The gift of a name comes with all the love and all the hope that new life inspires. Names have beginnings.

My mom, dad, and godmother coming out of 

St. Bridget's Catholic Church in Minneapolis 

on my baptismal day. 

(Taken in Summer 1966.)

- To know people's names is to acknowledge their humanity, to listen to their stories, and to share in their future.
- "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." (Jesus)
- We must take responsibility for our own mistakes and misdeed just as we take delight in our success and achievements.
- Charity derives from the same Latin word as cherish, caress, and care. And care rhymes with share. So, when you think of charity, you should think of what it means to care enough to share what you can spare of your cherished fare.
- We all have our quirks. And our quirks become habits, and our habits become routines, and our routines turn into the rituals that become as sacred as religious traditions. It's how we deal with the passage of time.
- Our habits save time. Our routines preserve time. Our rituals re-create time. Our traditions honor time.

Christmas has always involved having a manger set up, 

Christmas stockings hung by the fireplace, 

a decorated tree, and presents. 

This is me on my first Christmas - almost six months old.

(Taken on December 25, 1966.)

- Rituals get us started and traditions show us the way.
- We need to honor and respect all the ruts, routines, and rituals that people employ as they travel down the road of life. The ruts give them comfort, the routines keep them young, and the rituals remind them that they are not alone.
- The Ark Project is a crusade to save those savory foods that definitely take longer to prepare than they do to consume. You have to create an Ark Project all your own. You have to savor all the old family recipes that will feed and nourish you for a lifetime. The joy, the caring, and the love is in the preparation. Do good by eating - and living - well.

My 52nd birthday dinner made on the grill:

steak with onions and mushrooms; and Brussels sprouts.

(Taken on June 29, 2018.)

- The second book that I read, Heart, was written by Gail Godwin. The book takes us on a journey of  ideas, stories, and anecdotes about the heart beginning with the oldest artistic representation of the heart on a Spanish cave wall in 10,000 B.C. to the most recent books on the subject by the Dalai Lama, Thomas Keating, and Paul Pearsall.

Film 

Babe: Pig in the City is a movie that focuses on kindness through an animal that herds sheep by practicing courtesy and empathy. Now Babe again comes across as a great exemplar of kindness. He is generous and self-sacrificing.

Music

The song Get Together by Chet Powers, was made famous by The Youngbloods. I didn't know the name of this song even though I've heard it many times. The minute I heard it, it brought back good memories of simpler times. Happy times. As Spirituality and Practice said, this song "gives us the key to kindness — smiling on our brothers and trying to love one another right now."

 In Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel, the singer goes even further. As Spirituality and Practice said, "He promises to always be there, like a bridge over troubled water, when you are weary, feeling small, down and out, on the street, and even when your time has come to shine. Here kindness is easing the mind."

When you're weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all (all)
I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you (ooo)
I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
Oh, if you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

This is kind of a sad/comforting song to listen to - more like one that you would hear if you were going through a very challenging time in your life or if someone died.

Both of these songs were written during the hippie era. Maybe that's why I like them. Simple messages. Comforting. Insightful. Songs I could listen to again and again.

Art

Mexican artist Diego Rivera shows the oppression and nobility of the poor through his paintings. In The Flower Carrier, a kneeling man is burdened by a large basket of flowers on his back. A woman lends support, adjusting the balance of the load. Although it is a small act, it is both helpful and kind.

It reminds me of some of the men and women on the street in China carrying heavy or large loads on their backs or bikes. Having someone to lighten one's load, to provide that support - even in the smallest ways - can make such a tremendous difference for the person who is struggling.

Daily Cue, Reminder, Vow, Blessing

I haven't done these cues or reminders. However, I want to keep them here because I may use them in the future:

• Watering my houseplants is a cue for me to expand my practice of kindness to animals and inanimate beings.

Cooper looking out the window at the backyard.

Lots of plants and fresh-canned strawberry jam are on the counter.

(Taken on June 26, 2014.)

• Watching someone give up their seat to an elderly person is a reminder for me to make the little kind gestures.

• Knowing how nice it is to receive compliments, I vow to praise someone as an act of kindness today.

Practice of the Day

The Buddha taught lay people the virtue of making the "seven offerings that cost nothing": . . . a compassionate eye, a smiling face, loving words, physical service, a warm heart, a seat, and lodging.
— Jiko Kohno in Right View, Right Life

To Practice This Thought: Make one of the seven offerings that cost nothing.

Olivia on horseback doing therapeutic horseback riding.

(Taken on August 21, 2007.)

Journal Exercises

This is an interesting idea that I would like to start doing at some point:

Write a portrait of "The Kindest Person I Know," including specific examples of this person's kind deeds.

Tristine Rainer in The New Diary makes an interesting observation about the value of writing portraits, especially of someone you admire: "By writing diary portraits of people who intrigue you, you enter their qualities in your book, in your space, and begin the process of recognizing and taking possession of those qualities."

Discussion Questions, Storytelling, Sharing

• Giving to others is one part of the spiritual practice of kindness. Another is being able to receive graciously the gifts of others. Which are you better at? Why?

Without going into a lot of detail, I would say that I am much better at giving to others and being kind. I enjoy thinking of ways that I can be of service and be helpful.

Receiving gifts - although always welcomed and appreciated - is, for me, harder to do. I feel like I am imposing on others.

The sensory and memory quilt I made for my dad 

after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease.

(Taken on December 21, 2009.)

• Who has taught you the most about generosity and kindness? Do you think they are given enough attention in our society? Explain your views.

My parents, by far, taught me most about generosity and kindness. Their entire life revolved around hospitality, service, volunteering, and being generous with their time, experience, and skills. The way they lived their lives was inspiring, and definitely had a huge impact on the way that I have led my life and the way that I have carried on their legacy by teaching Sophia and Olivia the importance of giving of oneself to help others.

I don't think people like my parents were or are recognized enough in our society. More attention is focused on physical beauty, wealth, athletic ability, and other traits that truly don't make the positive impact on others that generosity or kindness do.

Household, Group, and Community Projects

• Donate blood through local hospitals and other programs. Help organize a blood drive at your place of work or worship.

I helped call over 70 prospective blood donors for a blood drive that was held by our local Lions club in mid-June. I'm also helping call over 80 prospective blood donors for a blood drive that my daughter is coordinating on July 11th.

I've also helped Sophia with the blood drives she's hosted; and provided volunteer support for her as needed. I'll be doing the same on July 11th.

Sophia working on the blood drive that 

she hosted in March 2018.

(Taken on March 3, 2018.)

I haven't done these projects yet, though I want to list them so I can do them at some point:

• Reframe household responsibilities as acts of kindness. For example, emptying the litter box is being kind to the cat. Dusting is being kind to furniture (in the sense that it is being taken care of and not neglected). Hanging up your clothes is being kind to them (I'm guessing here that Spirituality and Practice means that you are caring for your clothes and making them last longer).

Draw up a list of etiquette practices toward members of your household, pets, the place where you reside, the natural world, neighbors, etc.

• Keep a bank or box in your home and deposit loose change in it. Every time you go out to dinner, you might put money to pay for another meal in the box. Hold a household council to decide how to distribute your generosity fund.

• Rabbi David Cooper points out that in the Jewish tradition it is considered a high level of charity to help people become more self-sufficient by enabling them to educate and train themselves or to start their own business. As a group, begin a Scholarship or an Entrepreneur's Fund.

Hobbies that Begin with "W" - Blogging from A to Z Challenge

During the 2018 Blogging from A to Z Challenge, I will be focusing on hobbies that I have introduced to my daughters to through their childhood and teen years. Some were done as part of homeschooling, while others were areas that we explored because we were interested in the subject or activity. These are hobbies that anyone of any age could try as well.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sophia and Olivia have done a variety of hobbies that begin with the letter "W": walking, watching movies, weaving, woodcarving, and writing.

Walking

The girls and I have done a lot of walking through their lives. We have enjoyed taking the dogs on many of our walks. Each Spring, we would walk through fields of dandelions - seas of yellow as far as our eyes could see.

May 21, 2008

When Shadow showed up at our farm and was an outdoor cat, we often would go on walks with him...or him with us.

June 1, 2008

 We walked in nearby fields during all seasons. Sometimes the view was very open, and other times we were surrounded by corn that was at least a couple of feet taller than us.

May 17, 2009

The girls liked walking Eenie outdoors in the backyard. He and Boo were the only two cats we've had that would walk on a leash.

March 14, 2010

We walked to explore nature and wildlife. Below, the girls are slowly walking as they approach a flock of geese. They wanted to see what the geese looked like up close.

August 24, 2010

When my dad was in the nursing home for a couple of months, we would visit him. Below, the girls and I went on a walk through one area to go the healing garden that had flowers, swing, and water fountain. He was having a fun time on this walk - being dramatic (in a good way). It was a great visit.

October 15, 2011

We went camping in June 2012 at Lake Shetek State Park and went on a walk. We brought my dad's walking sticks with us.

June 10, 2012

He had died in January 2012, so we were thinking about him as we used the walking sticks he took on walks and hikes when he was involved with Boy Scouts. 

June 10, 2012

A couple months later, the girls and I went to Itasca State Park and saw where the Mississippi River started. On the left side is a lake and to the right, the start of the river.

September 5, 2012

We have walked the dogs countless times down the road pictured below. It's one of our favorite walks because it's so open - just lots of fields and pastures.

March 29, 2013

We went to Grand Marais and walked on some trails that we had not explored in the past.

June 6, 2013

One Halloween, we went to a regional park where there was a party.

October 19, 2013

The girls dressed up and we had fun walking around doing different activities.

Watching Movies

We  have enjoyed watching movies in movie theaters and at home. Although we don't normally take our photos at movies we go to, we did when we saw Voyage of the Dawn Treader since it was Sophia's 10th birthday.

December 30, 2010

During Advent one year, we did different activities. On the 5th, we watched Happy Feet and ate popcorn. It was a nice family night.

December 5, 2011

One of our favorite places to see movies is at a theater that has reclining seats. We have seen quite a few movies at that theater.

Weaving

The girls began weaving with paper. They did the construction paper weaving using large strips woven into a big sheet of construction paper.

They moved into paper weaving using watercolor paper they painted. Below, Sophia made a woven Swedish heart. It opens on the top and can be filled with a treat or a hanger can be added and it can be used as an ornament.

February 9, 2009

Later in the year, Sophia did a woven ornament using felt. To hold the weaving in place along the edges, Sophia used embroidery floss to do the running stitch.

October 15, 2009

On May 13, 2017, Olivia and I took a Saori weaving course at the Shepherd's Harvest.

There were about ten looms set up in a circle. We arrived early and were able to pick which loom we wanted to use (they were set up with the vertical rows of yarn.

Olivia chose a black yarn that she used for the entire weaving project.

When the session was finished, she tied off the ends and made a fringe.

Olivia's weaving was long enough to use as a scarf.

It was soft and beautiful in its pattern.

We will be doing another Saori class at the 2018 Shepherd's Harvest in May, and are looking forward to it.

Woodcarving

Sophia and Olivia have enjoyed seeing wood carvings - like this otter at a nature center in Bloomington, Minnesota.

March 16, 2009

We have seen religious wood carvings as well. This one was on trip we were on to the New England states in 2011. This particular wood carving was at a church in Boston.

September 10, 2011

Olivia tried doing wood carving in 2013. She cut out the wood using a scroll saw. She drew her design on one side and then carved it.

July 14, 2013

Although she hasn't done wood carving since then, it was a good way to learn the work that is involved in creating wood carved artwork.

Writing

Some of the first writing that the girls di was to their Tooth Fairy, Flossie.

June 5, 2008

The girls would leave notes by food, furniture, and other items they set up for Flossie.

November 14, 2008

The girls both had penmanship as part of homeschooling. In addition to practicing letters, they also would write verses on sheets and color them.

September 13, 2011

Writing was also a part of nature journaling. Below, Olivia wrote about a grasshopper she saw at her grandfather's nursing home.

October 16, 2011

They wrote letters to children of servicemen and women to encourage them and thank them for the sacrifices they made.

November 21, 2011

The letters were included with a backpack filled with items that children would enjoy and need.

November 21, 2011

One year, we decided to write letters to Santa at the North Pole.

December 9, 2011

We addressed the letters and mailed them at the local post office.

December 9, 2011

The girls also would write notes to Santa and ask lots of questions. Santa always wrote back to them and answered their questions.

December 24, 2011

Sophia did a nature journal entry one year that focused on a walk she took.

February 26, 2013

Letters to the Tooth Fairy continued to the last of the baby teeth.

April 4, 2013

One year, when the girls were 12 and 10 years old, I received a surprise note and two of my favorite candy bars.

August 7, 2013

This is one of my favorite notes that the girls wrote to me. It was unexpected...heartfelt...and so thoughtful.