Healing Grief, Finding Peace - Read 52 Books in 52 Weeks - Week 40

On August 15th, my mom died. It has been a whirlwind of activity since her death - from planning and having her visitation, funeral, and burial; to going through her and my dad's home to get it ready to sell.

Shortly after her death, I checked out a book from the library called Healing Grief, Finding Peace - 101 Ways to Cope with the Death of Your Loved One by Dr. Louis E. LaGrand. I finally took the time today to read the book from cover to cover. There were a lot of great ideas for working through grief and honoring the memories and life of a loved one.

These are some things that I thought were interesting and relevant to what I am going through:

- Recognize that no one escapes getting into a “negative” state. It’s part of life. Yet a constant negative emotional life is unhealthy for the brain, hastens the aging process, contributes to host of degenerative diseases, and attracts more stress.
- It is healthy to look back and reminisce about your loved one, yet it is crucial that as soon as possible you spend much more time focusing on the present and directions to take for the future.
- Those who cope well and adapt to massive change have learned how to deal with the new conditions of their lives, paying more attention to the present moment. At the same time, you still build a new relationship with the person who died by learning to love in separation through memories, traditions, spirit, and in lessons learned.
- You have no power to change what happened. You have to own it as a part of your history.

Wisdom is avoiding all thoughts that weaken you. 

(Dr. Wayne Dyer)

- Will you be loss-oriented in the months and years ahead – or will you be restoration-oriented?
- Will you maintain your bitter primary focus on loss, or give more time to rebuilding? Put another way, are you going to allow the death of your loved one to define you?
- We’ve lost ourselves, are on autopilot, and long for the security of the familiar, but in reality, we ultimately have to build a new life without the many interactions that used to occur when our loved one was with us.
- Make a list of your new routines and force yourself to repeatedly make the difficult transitions.
- Redefining ourselves, that is building a new identity after the death of a loved one, is another significant task commonly forgotten in grief work.
- Grief if your response to deep love – an essential of lie. Whenever you choose to love, as we all do, you automatically choose to grieve.
- What does it mean to successfully heal from suffering the death of a loved one? The operational answer is peace of mind through radical acceptance.
- Relate to others with courtesy, respect, and humility, even as you grieve. By making an effort to relate to others this way, you’ll find yourself making repeated value-driven choices to reach this reachable goal.
- What must I do differently to reduce the pain and manage my sadness? The key word is “differently.”
- Act as you wish to be is an age-old recipe for adapting to change;

“A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.”

Chinese proverb

- The emotionally resilient mourner is the person who doesn’t believe they can go down, that they must keep looking for the signs, seeing the gift, looking for the lesson. What have I learned and to whom have I given?
- Recognize how far you have come. When you review your day, credit yourself for where you are in your grief work. Every hour, every day is a victory.
- Review each day for the good things that happened.
- Re-encountering feelings of intense grief and crying, especially in the early months of your loss, is normal. Sometimes called “Grief attacks” these episodes are usually triggered unexpectedly.
- Take time out each day just for yourself. Make a list of the things that you want to do with this alone time that will ease your suffering or that will help you relax.
- Find a place where you enjoy being alone – a particular room in your home, a natural setting , etc.
- Solitude can balance the heavy stress you are under and raise your energy level. It is also an excellent opportunity to connect with your spiritual side and access the insight of your positive inner voice. Read something that will help you cope (e.g., poetry or verses).
- Use and develop your spiritual resources and spiritual practices.
- Beginning the day with a morning devotion.
- One of the tasks of grieving is to discover ways to express that eternal connection.
- Plant a memorial garden in the spring or tulip bulbs in November in honor of your loved one.
- Start a new tradition that honors your loved one on a birthday or other significant day.
- Write a history of your relationship with the deceased to be given to your children. Frequently use the qualities and talents the deceased admired in you or brought out in you. Some have also loved well by continuing to work toward reaching certain goals, knowing that the deceased would be so proud when they were attained.
- Have an annual church service in her/his memory.
- Light a candle in your home on special days as a visible inclusion of the loved one in the day.
- Service to others is the oldest, most effective, and most recommended copying strategy for mourners on the plant. The personal power-releasing factor it gives you is hope. Equally important, acts of kindness will keep you socially engaged at a time when you need it most. Sharing has always been an anxiety reducer.
- Focus on people. Believe that if your give to the world, the world gives back to you tenfold. Practice hospitality in the lives of others in the best way possible: giving them hope by your presence and commitment. Come to know the joy of committed service. Everyone wants to be acknowledged, valued, and celebrated.
- Give some items of clothing to Goodwill or other thrift store.
- Volunteer to visit someone at your local nursing home.
- Feed the birds.
- Give your full attention when speaking to family, friends, or strangers; you will be showing love for them.
- Make it a priority every day to be an influence in the lives of others by focusing on how you will make them feel good, and you will find another opportunity to reinvest in life.

“It is one of the beautiful compensations of this life that 

no one can sincerely try to help another 

without helping himself.” 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

- It is not unusual to have unfinished business with the loved one who died, especially if the death was unexpected.
- Find a quiet place where you can speak out loud to the deceased. This could be by the cemetery, the lake, any place.
- Rituals can be something you do every day, week, month, or year with the intent of honoring the loved one and knowing he or she will never be forgotten.
- A healthy way to release the constant focus on your loss is to incorporate a highlight to look forward to into your daily and/or weekly schedule.
- Jot down three things you will look forward to doing on each of the next three days. On the evening of the third day, write down three more for the next three days. These special highlights should not be the usual diversions, like painting or mowing the lawn, to keep busy, but ones that are at the top of your want list.
- Think of the things you want to accomplish that will lift you up, that you can think ahead about, and that will give encouragement.
- As you begin to accept your loss and eat well, your physical pain will lessen.
- Depression is a sign that we are emotionally depleted, with a sense that there is no place to go. Depression is our inability to give up the old for the new. And that is exactly what grieving is all about, giving up the way life used to be with our special person and adapting to a different life.
- Regular activities requiring your presence will be a factor in reducing or presenting long bouts of reactive depression. The key word in regular. Force yourself to develop outside interests, a project , or a service where you must be around people.
- Brisk walking will promote sleep, reduce depression, relieve neuromuscular hypertension, and decrease anxiety.
- Try green exercise: anything you do outside in nature: gardening, walking, or biking, where you can take your mind off the feeling of exercise as work and simply enjoy the beautify around you.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and 

you shall see that in truth you are weeping for 

that which has been your delight. 

Kahlil Gibran

- Many guilt-ridden mourners say, “I should have….” These all reinforce unnecessary guilt. We all review our relationship with our loved one and if we had a chance to do it over, would quickly change some of the things we did or did not do. That is part of the human condition. You did what you felt you had to do at the time, given the pressures and circumstances.
- With most all of the guilt generated when mourning, you did not deliberately intend to set out to inflict pain or suffering or contribute to the circumstances surrounding the death. Few people do.
- Hold on to treasured items and collect new ones.
- Symbols are often variable keepsakes that represent something other for the mourner than just their physical appearance (e.g. cardinals).
- If any object, picture, or memento that you look at brings added sadness, then put it away or get rid of it.
- One of the ways to love in separation and establish a new relationship with the deceased is to pick out some of the characteristics of your loved one or the ways he or she helped you realize a particular goal. Model his or her giving. Focus on the good qualities and use them, even further develop them, with the intention of honoring the deceased.
- Consider buying and caring for goldfish. Again, they are alive and colorful and can reduce the sense of isolation.
- Compare the clothing you presently wear and what you wore in the past that made you feel good. If necessary, purchase a new outfit or two.
- Have a room redone in the home or paint one yourself in a new uplifting color.
- If the loss has occurred close to big holidays (within 4 months or less) you may still be experiencing some degree of shock, numbness, and disbelief. If that is the case, the effect of these significant dates may be mitigated. The following year, however, after the shock and numbness have worn off, the dates may be far more difficult for you.
- Tell family and friends specifically what you can and cannot do around the holidays.
- You don’t have to follow the exact schedule or routines of the past. Consider starting a new tradition.
- Find a way to symbolically honor your deceased loved one: have the deceased’s favorite dessert or meal, say a prayer, display or give something s/he created, place a flower in a special place at the table). Be sure to include your walking program on that particular day.
- Keep things simple and focus on the values, beliefs, joy, and wisdom of the deceased.
- Saying goodbye by talking aloud to the person who has died. Say how you feel about not being there at the time of their death. Find a quiet room in your home, place a picture or other symbol of the loved one across from you, and say whatever you need to say. Explain why you were not there, why you are sorry, and that your love will always be with the person. As the person to send you a sign that they have heard you and are okay. Then stay alert for a response in the days or weeks ahead.
- Create a sacred place in one corner of a room in your home. Add a comfortable chair.
- Surround yourself with things that bring loving memories, such as pictures and mementos. These are life-giving.
- Try meditation – walking or listening to tapes.
- Use music, photo therapy, the visual arts, and writing poetry to tell stories or create symbols that have special meaning to you. Work with an expressive arts therapist if needed or look on the internet for ideas.
- Instead of watching violent shows or stressful news-related programs, create an experience that you want by selectively choosing uplifting programs on channels you have not watched before.
- Consider the gains that come due to your loss. This in no way means that you are minimizing the death of your loved one or trivializing the anguish and sorrow you are experiencing. Nonetheless, there are gains that occur which may help you find some semblance of meaning in the death of your loved one and help in adapting to your loss.
- Visiting a cemetery or memorial garden can be a help to your grief work or a hindrance. After the visit, assess how you feel. What insights have you derived from the visit, if any?
- Some people have a corner in their garden or on a nearby piece of land that they own, even a place they used to go with the loved one.
- It is not uncommon for what was important before to now become insignificant.
- Believe that love lives on. Although the physical relationship has ended, love never dies. Love and the person’s spirit are always present if you simply look into your heart or quietly sit and use the gift of your inner silence.
- Ask yourself what you are thankful for each evening.
- Creating helps bring meaning back into life.
- Whatever you create is an extension of you that can help restore interest in life.
- The sooner you can reconnect to purpose – or find a new one – you can better integrate your great loss into life.
- Consider deciding to carry on a project started by your loved one.
- To rediscover purpose, think of who or what inspired you before your great loss. Whom do you admire? Who are you thankful for? What needs to be accomplished in your community or regionally? How can you make a difference in someone else’s lie? Let your voice and actions be heard. How do you want to make something better? Purpose brings peace. Build your day around your purpose.
- Set out to intentionally look for beauty each day and incorporate it into your lifestyle.
- Identify the beauty in your thoughts and wishes. Get in touch with that which stirs the soul. Schedule time each day to focus on beauty as a coping response.
- Find and explore a new interest.
- Every week, go to someplace in your county that you have never visited. Or try learning a skill you may need in the immediate future. Look up topics you have little knowledge of on the internet. All of this stimulation will not merely help your brain; it will take the focus off the constant dwelling on your loss.

As a side note, this is Week 40 of the Read 52 Books in 52 Weeks challenge. The last book I read and wrote about on my blog was during May on Week 20. Unless I have a tremendous amount of spare time in the next few months (which is unlikely), I think it is realistic to start from this point and move forward rather than trying to backtrack for weeks 21-39.

Nature Photo of the Week - Week 39 - Details

During the past week, it has been raining off and on. This morning, it was raining and when there was a break in the rain, we went to the apple orchard for a tour with our 4-H club.

This beautiful orange flower was in a container garden outside of their little shop.

The level of detail in this one flower amazes me. I look at all the petals and how beautifully they are arranged. The different size petals - from the tiniest ones in the center to largest ones on the outside of the flower - are all a vibrant shade of orange - a welcome color against the gray sky.

It seemed like this was a fitting photo for theme of the 39th week of the Nature Photo of the Week: Details.

Art Before Breakfast - Read 52 Books in 52 Weeks - Week 39

For the 39th week of the Read 52 Books in 52 Weeks challenge, I read Art Before Breakfast by Danny Gregory.

I was intrigued by the title because the time before breakfast - for me - is the best time to get anything done. It's quiet with everyone still sleeping and there are no interruptions.

The author said, "creativity isn't a luxury. It's the essence of life. It's what distinguishes us from the mush. And it's why our ancestors survived while other less adaptive critters perished. They responded to change by being creative in some way, by inventing a new a new answer to the chaos.

"To make the most of our life...be inventive, open, flexible, in touch. To have perspective on what matters to you. To deal with change without being overwhelmed. And that's what creativity offers you."

He offered some tips on how to develop a creative habit:

- Do something creative every day.
- Commit to doing this for, let's say, 30 days.
- Don't go crazy with art supplies at first.
- Be consistent.
- Skip perfection.

After those initial few pages, the book offered lots of tips for doing quick drawings each day. Since drawing isn't "my thing" I flipped through the remainder of the book.

I was hoping that the word "art" in the title encompassed more than just one form of art. For those who love drawing, this would be a great book. For those of us who have other visual arts interests and skills, there was little in the book that was useful.

Nature Photo of the Week - Week 38 - Reflection

Today we went on a hike at William O'Brien State Park. It is one of four hikes that we did over the past two days during a camping trip at the park with our 4-H club.

The photo I chose is of two rocks in the St. Croix River. The clouds are reflected in the water (though not clearly) which makes it seem almost like an abstract painting to me in some ways.

We had a small group of people that we camped with - only one other family spent the day on Thursday during the day; and another family spent the afternoon on Thursday and stayed overnight.

However, in retrospect, having only one other family to spend time with and get to know better was an ideal way to spend this field trip. What made it even better was that for both families, there were new experiences that each had while at William O'Brien. 

What was fun for us was being able to introduce a family to overnight camping. The children had never been camping before or stayed in a camper cabin...so the experience was new for them. 

Being able to go on the same hike with two different families who have two vastly different age ranges of children also gave me an opportunity to see nature and the same area from two distinctly diverse ways. 

I also enjoyed showing the youngest children the "gnome house" that Sophia and Olivia used to be thrilled to find and sit in when they were little. Passing along those memories and that tradition was fun for me to do. And, like the theme of this week, gave me an opportunity to reflect on all the wonderful memories I have of exploring William O'Brien State Park with Sophia and Olivia throughout the years.

Pay It Down - Read 52 Books in 52 Week - Week 38

This week I read Pay It Down - From Debt to Wealth on $10 a Day by Jean Chatzky for the Read 52 Books in 52 Weeks challenge. I found many suggestions in the book worthwhile; and wished that I had learned this as a teenager and young adult.

Below is information that I found particularly useful and plan to share it with my daughters so they can lead a life free from debt and build their wealth early in life.

- If you have too much debt - particularly credit card debt - I can guarantee that you don't have much of a financial future. Why? Think about what happens when you have credit card bills looming large. You feel like you have  to pay those bills first - and so you do. If you don't, the creditors start to call.
- Because those bills are so large (even the minimums look maximum), there's nothing left over to save or invest. So when an emergency hits - whether it's an unreimbursed medical bill or a new transmission - you pay for it with plastic. Then the minimums go even higher, and the cycle continues.
- There's a goo reason for tackling those credit card bills first: at 14, 15, or 16 percent and higher, they're costing you more than you can earn by socking the money away. At 24, 25, or 29 percent, they're costing you double to triple what you can earn. Not only that: they're doing damage to your confidence. They're sabotaging your ability to be content, not only with your money, but with your life. They have to go.
- The rising cost of health care can easily throw you into debt.
- Then there are people who just spend more than they make. Unfortunately, if you're spending more than you make, you're digging deeper and deeper into debt.
- Problems often hit you simultaneously - or one right after the other.
- Score up past the 700 - or even 720 - mark [and] you be able to borrow that money at the very best prices.
- How to increase your credit score:
  - 35% of your score is based upon how well you pay your bills. Start paying on time.
  - 30% of your score is what Fair Isaac calls "balance and burden," a measure of how much credit you have available to you and how much of that credit you're using. You're in the best shape if you're using 20-30 percent of the credit available to you.
  - 10% is based on your search for new credit - how recently have you opened or inquired about opening new accounts.
  - 10% is the financial composition of your file: what percentage is bank-card debt and what percentage is installment debt? It's better to have a ratio of 60 to 70 percent bank-card debt to 30-40 percent installment debt.
-  Write checks and pay cash. Why? Because once the money's gone. It's really gone.
- Create small stashes for big goals. Save another $10 a day (or another amount consistent with what you want to purchase or invest in) in addition to maintaining your other financial goals.
- We spend because we want things. We want to go out to dinner because we've just had a long day or week. We want a cell phone in addition to our landline because we want to be reachable anytime. We want to look better and feel better than we feel right now - and we think that spending money on new shoes, a new car, or new makeup or a bag will help us do just that. When you stop and think about it, you have to admit that's where a great deal of your money goes.
- When we shop for anything other than the true basics, it's because we're missing something else in our lives.
-  Seven reasons why we engage in retail therapy:
.....We're bored.
.....We're depressed.
.....We want to "get a life."
.....We want to improve our moods.
.....We are trying to assert our independence over our parents, then our partners.
.....We want to feel more attractive.
.....We're on autopilot. We are purchasing items out of habit.
- Who gets paid first? Pay the highest interest rates first.
- Two golden rules for credit card customers: (1) Always pay more than the minimum; and (2) Always pay on time. Remember: One late payment can send your interest rate soaring.
- Rules to guide your spending
.....Use debit not credit.
.....Use a credit card for emergencies only. Take a piece of paper and write - in big letters- FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY on that piece of paper. Wrap the paper around the card and secure it with a rubber band.
.....No online shopping.
.....Shop with a list.
.....Shop for groceries once a week.
.....Return with abandon. Save all receipts for this purpose.
.....Pay your  bills as they come in rather than all at once. People who pay their bills as they come in have more in savings, less in debt, and they're happier. It's a powerful habit to adopt.
.....Pay more than the minimum.
.....Pay off the most expensive debts first.
.....Bank online.

Nature Photo of the Week - Week 37 - Clouds

One of the new activities that we're doing this year is having a 4-H Photography Club thanks to one of the parents in the club.

Our first outing was to St. Croix State Park in Hinckley, Minnesota. It's about an hour and a half from our home, but well worth the drive. It's a huge state park and it feels like you're in another world when you are here.

The day was beautiful - warm, but not hot; and a gorgeous blue sky dotted with snow-white clouds.

I had the dogs with me while Sophia and Olivia took photos and participated in the Photography Club. We enjoyed going on a hike and exploring an area that we had not been before. The dogs were picking up a lot of different scents which kept them interested and their tails wagging the entire time.

Afterwards, we stopped at Dairy Queen for a treat. In addition to treats for us, we got the dogs their own little vanilla ice cream cups. Needless to say, they were thrilled at their surprise treat. They slept well on the way back home which was nice.

The Grief Club - Read 52 Books in 52 Week - Week 37

This week I read The Grief Club - The Secret to Getting through All Kinds of Change by Melody Beattie for the Read 52 Books in 52 Weeks challenge.

This book covers a wide range of losses - not just the "typical" loss of parents, siblings, children, or friends that other books cover. This one dives deeper and wider into many types of loss.

In some ways, it's good to explore this concept because truly - until I did the Master List of Losses inventory which is included in the book - I had no idea how many losses I had experienced in my life and the impact they have had on it. There were 176 that I checked off on the list (this is a life-long list...not just in my current life). The list has even more types of losses that weren't applicable to my life.

Some examples of loss that I could identify with included: death of a close family member, seeing a loved one in the process of dying, death of other loved one, death of someone (loss somewhat affects us), murder (of someone we loved), death of a pet, loss of a pet, inability to obtain and sustain adequate insurance, chronic illness, intractable pain, surgery, accident, illness that carries perceived stigma, as a child - had adult household/family duties and responsibilities, robbery (we're the victim), crime committed against us (by a stranger), divorce of a friend or relative, end of friendship, major disappointment, move to another city or state, loss of retirement funds or savings, credit card theft or loss, being lied to, loss of energy and vitality, significant change in religion, stress, loss of job, working more hours than usual, business failed, creative work failed, uninsured loss, learning disability (our child), unwanted changes in appearance due to aging, deprived of contact with nature, deprived of sunshine, move into nursing home (someone we love)....the list goes on.

So, there is a wide range of loss that I didn't even consider "loss" in the sense of something to be grieved. This was certainly an eye-opening activity to me.

Some of the suggestions that the author wrote about that I thought may be helpful are below:

- Keep a diary of any dreams or contacts with a deceased loved one. Jot a few notes about the content of the dream or describe the contact.
- Engage in rituals that honor your loss (e.g., do something on the deceased's birthday).
- Remember the best. Create a book of memories of the good times you had. Include things you learned, things you or the person said or did, placed you visited, trips and activities you both enjoyed.
- Write your memoirs. You don't have to wait until you're old. Make this an ongoing project. Start when you are young. Write about events in your life that are funny or sad - the events that have meaning for you. Write it for your family and yourself. Include pictures too - anything you want.
- Review your Master List of Losses. Which losses have made you who you are, shaped who you are (or who you're becoming)? What did you learn from each one? What did each mean to you? Do you believe there's purpose and value in what you're going through right now?
- Practice gratitude daily. Make a list of five things you're grateful for each day.
- Be a helper (when giving feels right to you).
- Write about your thoughts and feelings on the subject of getting older. Buy a journal and devote it to that subject. Write about how you feel about being your current age. What do you dislike the most about aging? Then make another list. What are your favorite things about being your current age?
- Write your money goals. Do a new goal sheet once a year or as needed. Put life in your goals by writing what you want to do and create, not just what you want to have.
- Celebrate your rites of passage. Throw a party for yourself. Your normal is changing. It's common to feel lost for a while. Give yourself some slack, some room to wander about in the mystery and let your new life take shape and form. Buy new clothes. Rearrange your home. Make a photograph album of pictures and remembrances from the time in your life that's passing. Or do some writing about that part of of your life. Write a story. We need to find a way to to say goodbye to what we're leaving and hello to what's ahead.
- Choose how you want to handle aging. We can fix or replace many body parts that wear out. There are forms of physical exercise - even walking - that we can do our entire lives. Yoga...and tai chi are great ways to keep our energy vital. Make a commitment to take great care of yourself.
- Get your affairs in order. Have a will and a living will.
- Watch for warning signs being fired in your life. It's easy to get lax...and not stay present in [your] body. The author said, "I'm up in my head. That's when I'm prone to falling down the steps, falling down flat on the sidewalk, giving myself a concussion. I need to be reminded to slow down, stay centered. Stay present and aware. Listen."
- Take care of your health. It's common when we're grieving to have compounded losses. We get loss piled upon loss, then another one layered on those. Our immune system may be shot. Chronic or acute illnesses frequently begin during grief. Get the medical care you need.

Nature Photo of the Week - Week 36 - Stranger

This is a slight departure from the "normal" Nature Photo of the Week. For the 36th week, I chose the theme "Stranger."

Out of the photos I took this past week, this one from our first 4-H meeting of the year, shows how children - some strangers to one another and some friends who knew one another from last year - came together and had fun playing with a parachute.

Getting youth outside - whether they are 2 years old or 15 years old (the age ranges of the youth in our 4-H club and their younger siblings) - is so important to their health and well-being. The smiles, laughter, and fun they had together was worth the investment of the parachute.

Children who were once strangers easily became friends this week when they were having fun together playing outdoors in nature.

Brave Girls - Read 52 Books in 52 Week - Week 36

For the 36th week in the Read 52 Books in 52 Weeks challenge, I read Brave Girls - Raising Young Women with Passion and Purpose to Become Powerful Leaders by Stacey Radin.

I was curious about this book both as a parent of two daughters (ages 12 and 14) as well as 4-H club leader.  Some of the passages that stood out for me included:

- Adolescence is the stage of life most marked by identity development. The overriding quest is to answer the daunting question "Who am I?" 

- Most after-school programs focus on elementary-school children or high school and college women, rendering middle school a developmental purgatory.

Never be afraid to innovate.

Embrace your power; 

you were meant to do great things in the world.

Lead by example.

Invest in building a strong sense of community.

Follow your moral compass, 

never veering from your values.

You have the capacity to be a hero.

Respect and promote diversity.

Encourage others to leverage their passion 

so they, too, can create impact.

- Middle school girls are greatly in need of intimacy with and connection to others. Girls thrive in supportive social settings...they are able to better assert their independence when they eel connected; and attachment to others is a vital component of their identity.

- Give girls a sheet of paper that lists fifty values (family, beauty, education, honesty, self-confidence) and ask the girls to circle those that appeal to them, gradually narrowing it down to their top five. What values resonate most with them and how do they manifest those in various aspects of their lives? Powerful and ethical leaders know their values, align their behavior to correspond to those values, and recognize when they are straying.

- It can be confusing to adults: one minute, these preteens want to be perceived as older and capable of more responsibility; the very next, they are clamoring to climb into bed with their mom.

- Ask girls "If you were 65 years old an sitting on a park bench and a stranger sat down next to you and asked you about your life, what would you tell them?" Aspirations and dreams are significant aspects of developing a sense of self.

- Girls need and deserve female-centric safe spaces to develop, mature, and cultivate intimate relationships with other girls an women. Are there opportunities for girls to develop a sense of sisterhood? Is she spending time in any all-female environments where she can interact with different types of female and tap into her passions?

- Strengths serve many purpose: they motivate her to broaden her repertoire of skills; they equip her to manage adversity; they create a foundation for the development of additional strengths. The ability to articulate one's strengths is highly correlated with self-confidence, mastery, and self-worth.

Educating the mind without educating the heart 

is not education at all.

- Aristotle

- Resilient girls are optimistic. They refuse to define themselves by failure, nor do they give up in less than ideal circumstances. These girls are more apt to be energetic and passionate, determined and persistent.

- When a middle school girl is challenged by a difficult moment or task, give them permission to struggle. Coach them to continue independently, encouraging them to take a risk. Life is full of challenges; these early experiences will prepare them for the future.

- Emotionally intelligent girls and women are more assertive, confident enough to directly express their feelings, positive about themselves, searching for a deeper purpose in their lives.

- Regularly encourage girls to speak their minds and advocate for themselves.

- Coach girls to articulate their messages in powerful, concise ways. Often girls circumvent the main point, adding extraneous details or providing a rationale for every piece of their story, diluting the meaning of their words. If the girls are doing this, say, "Tell me the same story in three sentences." most people have a short attention span. This technique helps the girls to be more direct in their communication.

- Why do girls bully? When a girl (or grown woman) feels powerless, regardless of underlying reasons, she will seek opportunities to regain it, no matter what the circumstances. most think bullies suffer from low self-esteem, but what is more often the case is that the tormentor feels powerless in some way, whether it is due to family conflicts, a changing body, unhappiness in her peer relationships, academic troubles, or feeling less than when it comes to her looks, weight, or material possessions.

- Girls need more real-life role models so they don't look to fictitious characters for inspiration. These positive role models should be unique, powerful, confident, and authentic.

- Girls crave opportunities that foster a sense of responsibility and initiative. They overwhelmingly report wanting to effect change and be considered role models.

- Investing in girls produces the greatest return in economic development, social progress, and public health.

- Ask girls: "What do you feel passionate about? What issues would you change if you could? What organizations and/or causes resonate most with you and why? What would you need to begin creating change in your own community?

- Whether it's on a large or small scale, impact cannot occur without engaging a community of invested individuals. There is undeniable strength in numbers: dramatic societal shifts and sustainable change do not happen without support from others.

Alone we can do so little,

together we can do so much.

- Helen Keller

Nature Photo of the Week - Week 35 - Sparkle

For the 35th week of the Nature Photo of the Week challenge, I looked through my photographs and selected this one to go with the theme "Sparkle."

I'm not sure this butterfly truly "sparkles." Yet, when I looked up the definition of the word "sparkle" - there were quite a few synonyms that I thought fit this butterfly as I remember looking at it while Olivia held it:

Shimmer.
Shine.
Gleam.

The colors were iridescent - changing ever so slightly in the slight between different shades of purples and blues.

The stop at the Butterfly House at the Minnesota State Fair was a much-needed break and visual treat. It's always one of the highlights at the fair for us. 

Fortytude - Read 52 Books in 52 Weeks - Week 35

For the 35th week of the Read 52 Books in 52 Weeks challenge, I read Fortytude - Making the Next Decades the Best Years of Your Life - through the 40s, 50s, and Beyond by Sarah Brokaw.

Some things that I found interesting were:
- The University of Wisconsin - Madison's Institute of Aging revealed that people in their late 40s and 50s reported significantly higher levels of well-being than did those in their 30s and early 40s. Women in particular learn to focus more on the positive and less on the negative as they grow older.
- When you view your challenges as opportunities to change, experiment, push youself, grow, and learn new skills, then you have sparkling moments. Sparkling moments can bring more than a little relief - they can even add a degree of excitement to your life.
- Fortytude means not just getting over a hurdle - be it a serious health challenge, the end of a marriage, or a financial struggle - but also fining happiness and joy in the calm periods that follow.
- There are five core values that help women cope with whatever (and whoever) shows up in their lives: grace, connectedness, accomplishment, adventure, and spirituality.
- When we make peace with life events, even when things don't go the way we want, we exhibit grace. When we manage stressful situations with humor, we exhibit grace. When we are accepting of others, we exhibit grace. Grace is not about physical beauty or having a ballerina's poise. It is composed of generosity, forgiveness, and equanimity in the face of trying times.
- Placing too much value on appearance can be unhealthy, and that are ultimate worth comes from somewhere deeper than our skin. We journey inward, seeing to identify ourselves with our true natures rather than judging ourselves and other people based on appearances. We also realize that beauty has more to do with who we are - our commitment to making the world a better place, our sacrifices on behalf of our family and friends - than how we look.
- Aging gracefully means not clinging to what we did or could or should look like.
- Beauty is what one emanates. It comes from feeling good about who you are with your flaws (and we all have them) and being at peace with yourself.
- Can you let go of how you looked in your 20s an embrace the face that greets you in the mirror today? Can you see past the wrinkles...to the beauty that lies beneath, the beauty of your soul? Can you feel good about who you are and enjoy being in the body the way it is now, imperfect as it i? Can you focus on your health and wellness as a primary motivator for taking care of yourself, rather than simply your appearance?
- Friendships are even more critical to our health and well-being than family relationships.
- You can judge the quality of a woman by looking at her friendship with other women. And it's not necessarily the longevity or the quantity of friendships that give them value; it's quality. Friendships may endure for a moment or a lifetime - and provide a powerful connection either way.
- As we grow older..we must stop focusing on what we lose and shift our emphasis to what we have to gain. And one of the greatest gifts we have to gain in these latter decades is the possibility of depending and strengthening our female friendships.
- As we  grow older, the challenge comes taking the time to nurture our friendships. We can become so caught up with our careers, families, and other commitments that we stop calling, e-mailing, or visiting our friends. Yet, we should be careful not to give our friendships short shrift, especially knowing how powerfully they impact our happiness, health, and well-being over the long term.
- No matter how busy you are, you can create time in your schedule to touch base with your girlfriends. These relationships will sustain and guide you during your most troubled times, so that you can endure and survive.
- The most content couples consistently demonstrate a great deal of curiosity about and respect for the other person....They ask questions, share insights, and inspire and support one another without fail. They may have moments of frustration with each other, but they always treat each other with respect.
- Celebrate each other's triumphs big and small.
- Many people...subscribe to the mantra "One day, I'll have x, and then I'l be happy."...This is no way to live. We have to take ownership of our vitality and well-being here, in this very moment. If we live for the future, we end up ignoring the many blessings that we already have.
- As we enter our  fifth decade, most of us come to a point where we have a good grasp of what comes naturally to us, what talents an skills we were born with an which ones we simply don't possess. We discover that, while we all can continue to explore new activities and push our boundaries throughout our lives, honing in on a sense of mastery in certain domains can prove beneficial. We let go of pursuits that exhaust us and devote our time and energy to the activities that we find most fulfilling.
- The largest challenge stay-at-home moms is to their self-esteem.Some suffer an ego blow as soon as they quit their jobs, feelings as though their contributions to society as moms are not adequately valued. Other SAHM's raise their children quite happily only to find that, once the kids graduate from high school and move on, they are at sea, uncertain of what they should do next.
- For those women who want and are able to choose the stay-at-home-mother path, the key lies in defining who you are, independent of you roles as mother and wife. This may mean pursuing other interests outside the family, such as sports and volunteering. Or it may mean simply making peace with your truth, knowing in your heart that you are contributing to the world in your own way.
- Adventure means not settling into a tired, old pattern but rather challenging ourselves to renew our interest in and enthusiasm or life by pushing out of our comfort zones. It can be anything that piques your curiosity - anything that you find exciting.
- The older I get, the more I realize that time spent being afraid is time wasted.
-  One of the biggest mistakes we can make as we move past our 30s, through our 40s, and into our 50s, is to begin telling ourselves, "It's too late." It is not too late to take on challenges, to push ourselves out of our comfort zones, and to find our way to true fulfillment.
- Part of the struggle we women face is our tendency to become so encumbered by our daily tasks and obligations that we forget to really live.
- Imagine that you're going into a bookstore and you have an hour or two to browse and read at your leisure. Which three sections would you go to? Pick the first three that come to mind. Write them down. Now your challenge is to figure out how to create an exciting job, trip, hobby, or creative pursuit out of these three elements.
- Try to allow a bit of the unfamiliar into even the most comfortable lives.
- Spirituality is not about achieving enlightenment or mindlessly obeying a set of rules, but rather about looking for inner peace. It helps you understand your life experiences and give them meaning. It provides a way to take yourself out of your own head, so that you can delight in the smallest things.
- As we make our way through our 40s, many of the people we care most about - our parents, siblings, and close friends - also will be moving int a more advanced stage f life. ...They will pass away or they will fall ill, and we will transition into caretaking for them.
- Grieving is like learning how to swim: you don't know what to expect; you must feel for a long time as if you're drowning and will never be able to surface from the sadness or overwhelming sense of loss.
- Caretaking for our aging parents can prove a tremendous strain on our emotional health, our relationships with our family members, and our finances.
- Certainly among the most traumatic events of all, no matter what our relationship with them was like throughout our lives, are our parents' deaths. Of course, we all know that it is inevitable. The time will come when, in the natural order of things, we will watch our parents pass away. But their deaths can throw us completely off course when they happen. For the lucky ones, our parents represented home, safety, familiarity, love, and acceptance; and when they are gone, we feel unmoored.
- "Good grief" means allowing yourself to  be sad, to cry, to feel homesick, to get angry, to feel overwhelmed by loss, and to reach out to others. "Bad grief" means denying your emotions, or even getting angry or frustrated with yourself for feeling them. We are better served by giving ourselves time to sit with and deeply feel our emotions than by attempting to drown them in alcohol or suppress them altogether. Our bodies respond physiologically to the trauma of loss, and we need to respect that. We heal by embracing our grief with compassion and tenderness.
- It can be very helpful to think about how you'd like to channel your grief into making the world a better place.
- We can choose to share [our departed loved ones'] spirit with others through our own efforts. We can  carry the light and love and laughter of the people who have left this earth with us for the rest of our lives.
- As we grow older, aging itself is not the challenge. The challenge i how w approach the process. Having fortytude means realizing that while you can't control what happens to you, you can control your reactions to life's events.
- Age cannot be an excuse for abandoning your hopes and dreams. The bottom line is, the choice is yours.

Nature Photo of the Week - Week 34 - Circle

For this week's Nature Photo of the Week, I chose the theme "Circle." I didn't have too many pictures to choose from since much of the past week focused on catching up on things I needed to do following my mom's visitation, funeral, and burial from August 15th-21st.

So, I chose this image of a setting sun. It's not a great image...it's difficult to see how truly beautiful the pale lavender and magenta sky was and how the entire circle of the sun was illuminated in the sky as it set.

This was the image at 6:48 p.m. as I pulled our driveway. Earlier that day, was my mom's visitation, funeral, and burial. The setting sun...kind of a closing chapter of the day (and my life)...felt like the most appropriate image of the week.

Nature Photo of the Week - Week 34 - Tradition

One of our favorite traditions during the summer is raising monarch butterflies. We have been doing this for many years now...since Sophia and Olivia were young girls.

This is the first monarch that we raised and released this season. It had rained the evening before and throughout the day. We gave this butterfly plenty of time to dry its wings and then waited for the rain to stop during the day before releasing it.

It seemed to enjoy these flowers a lot, and stayed there a long time. The vivid color of the monarch against the flowers made for an uplifting image on an otherwise dreary day.

This is the 34th picture for the Nature Photo of the Week. The theme was "Tradition."

Nature Photo of the Week - Week 33 - Energy

As I reviewed the photos that I took during the past week and the remaining themes for the Nature Photo of the Week challenge, I chose the word "Energy" as I looked as this uncapped frame from a beehive.

We were invited to go to Sophia's mentor's home to watch and participate in the honey extraction process. This is one of dozens and dozens of frames that Phil had uncapped. This one, like the others, is resting on a bar while the honey slowly drips from the frame.

After a batch of ten frames is removed from the extractor, this one and nine more frames will be next. The extractor spins the frames and the centrifugal force removes the honey from the frames.

We were able to taste the honey fresh from the frames once it was extracted. It was delicious! There is nothing that you can buy in the grocery store that compares to local honey.

Sophia and I are very excited to be able to extract honey next year from her hive. Hopefully it will be the start of a rewarding - and perhaps profitable - hobby that she can enjoy throughout her life.

Nature Photo of the Week - Week 32 - In My Hand

We were excited to find this big monarch caterpillar this week munching on milkweed. Normally, when we find caterpillars they are much smaller. The fact that this one survived in the wild for this long without getting eaten is amazing!

After observing it for some time, we placed it in our monarch raising container along with some milkweed leaves from our backyard. Soon we'll watch it transform itself into a chrysalis to a butterfly. It's always an awe-inspiring process to observe.

This is for the 32nd Nature Photo of the Week with the theme "In My Hand."